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[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
I didn’t realize that was an option
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.