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I hope it’s French Onion!
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
My first child will be named New Folder.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*