🤣✨#caturday
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mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
The USS B port
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom