🤣😂
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Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
I was just discussing this with my cat
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.