🤦🏻♀️😂😂
You Might Also Like
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Baking is just science you can eat.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
My kitchen overserved me.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream