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Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
what are they serving at kfc then???
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.