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BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Cop: this him?
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.
The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
George Foreman: that’s interesting
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Me: What’s for dinner?
“Come reckon with me bro.”
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.