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Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that nowβ¦
If youβre a squatter, every day is leg day.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, βCease and desist!β and βYouβre hurting our eyeballs!β and βYou are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!β
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [canβt figure out how the mute button works]
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Itβs so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, βokay.β Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadnβt previously paid for Favstar
Self-cleaning conscience
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
In hell, you wait for a βverify your email addressβ email that never arrives.
Michael Myers in his 60βs walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy youβre a much better cook than mummy
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things youβre working on or things that make you look busy.
β« Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. β«