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Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Donβt you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. Thatβs why I do it.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said βWell, you give up when youβre arguing with mommy.β
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
βAh yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanicsβ is what Iβm going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I donβt understand.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I donβt know what this says about me as a parent but tbh Iβm actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say βlike thisβ & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.