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Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
i wish all
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Forever 21… pounds overweight
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*
Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it