10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!馃槒
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Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Today’s horoscope.
鈼廠agittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.鈼廇ries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Don鈥檛 worry guys. I鈥檝e got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I鈥檒l have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I鈥檓 supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn鈥檛 right, but I鈥檓 close. I can feel it.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
POV: Your company鈥檚 HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.