3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
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I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Yeah. This was me today.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
The dark side of Canada
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
I believe the plural is “milves.”
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”