6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
![]()
You Might Also Like
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
#catsoftwitter
![]()
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.