At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
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Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Fat chances are my favorite chances
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers