SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
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My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
LMAO.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
こいつ天才
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
*aggressively waits in line*
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.