If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
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don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
They did not miss in the small print
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
This is not me but this is me
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”