I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
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me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
wtf is a larm clock?
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.