Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
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popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
When you’re here for the treats.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Selfie
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.