Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
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I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem