5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
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If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
*frowns in Scottish*
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
What about a To-Don’t List?
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Y’all ready for this
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.