Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
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Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
I’m listening
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.