It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
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Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.