If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
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“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
How it started: How it’s going:
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
sleeping beauty
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Lol
I’m Sold!
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie