I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
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The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco