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Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking