My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
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Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.