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Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
This is my bus stop.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.