Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
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My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
My circle of trust is a meatball
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]