Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
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Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’