My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
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When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.