Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
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detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
my name if I was in the mob
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me