Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
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The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
I can’t stop laughing at this
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager