I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
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Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”