If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
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*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family