‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Well, my evening plans are ruined
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?