wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
You Might Also Like
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
War & Peace
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.