Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
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My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
man i love columbo
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*