Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
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I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.