[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
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ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Eat…
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”