the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
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The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.