Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
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Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Seek kebab; not attention
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place