Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
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Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
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haha same
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.