I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
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Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Just why bro?!
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways