When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
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“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.