Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
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Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Me when my alarm goes off
…żyje?