If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
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A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE