2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
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Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Fights fire with marshmallows
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.