[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
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My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Story of my life…..
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.