OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
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[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*