Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
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I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!