My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
You Might Also Like
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
forgive me baja for i have blast
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Not recommended for beginners.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.